Do parts leave?
A manager (Green) and very healed exile (p) have a metaphysical conversation
Manager asks questions, but is NOT curious
Green (Leader of the managers): I’m concerned. Why won’t anyone talk to me about p?
p (Leader of the exiles ): I’ll talk to you, Green.
Green: (Manager): Where are you? What are you doing? Why haven’t you been around lately?
p: (Exile): Green, can I point out that your questions have a tone of interrogation, not curiosity? They’re an example of how a manager can ask questions, but still not be genuinely C-word ‘curious.’ I don’t feel enthusiastic about engaging with the pointy, pointy jabby energy of your attack of questions.
Aggressive questions are akin to disguised ‘you’ statements
Green (Manager): That’s fair. Okay. What I hear you say, is that my questions are not coming from a spacious, curious, Self-led place. They are interrogational.
p (Exile): Yes.
Green: To the extent that they’re aggressive, they’re more like ‘You’ statements — You haven’t been around, why? You are doing, what? You are where? And we all know ‘you’ statements = poor communication skills.
p: (Exile): Precisely. I’d prefer you lead with ‘I’ statements, not ‘You’ statements disguised as questions.
Harsh vs soft start up to a conversation (per John Gottman)
Green (Manager): Thanks for the feedback. I’ll try better. That was a pretty harsh start up!
p (Exile): Yep. I’d prefer a soft start up, as Gottman advises.
Green (Manager): Okay. Here are my ‘I’ statements. I miss you and I feel confused. I haven’t heard you talk to A in at least a month. I’m worried about where you are and what you’re doing. I don’t want you to disappear.
p (Exile): Thanks Green. I feel your care and concern. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just hanging out in the ether of consciousness. I’ve done a LOT of work, Green.
Green (Manager): (a little sullen or sulky) I know.
p (Exile): What does that mean? (referring to the sullenness/sulkiness).
Green (Manager): Well I haven’t (done a lot of work), don’t rub my face in it.
p (Exile): I’m not (rubbing your face in it), I’m stating a fact, Green. I’m not around because IFS conversations are primarily designed to heal parts, and I’ve done a lot of healing, so I’m ‘stepping aside’ to let deeper parts heal, like the glass caterpillar, bb, rhino and YOU!
IFS as interior representative democracy
Green (Manager): Fine but this is a representative democracy and you’re the leader of the exiles. Last night we had an important vote (about getting a new health insurance policy and dropping the one we have)— a meeting of the firefighters, managers, and exiles — and the glass caterpillar was the representative for the exiles instead of you. I thought I’d at least see you at congressional meetings for major votes.
p (Exile): The glass caterpillar is extremely qualified to represent the exiles, as is p pi, so I prefer to send them to vote on our (the exiles’) behalf. It helps them develop their interpersonal skills. Plus, the glass caterpillar has strong relationships with both Sharky and you, since you’re roommates.
Green (Manager): (big sigh) I know. But I miss you!
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