Exile Over-Enthusiasm Reveals Manager Conflict-Avoidance

Green and p pi have a polarization about p pi's enthusiasm for our IFS Classes

Excess Exile Enthusiasm, Manager Gets Trampled = Repair

Green (Manager): I don’t want to send out anything about the class! I don’t want to bother people.
p pi (Exile): But some people might want to hear about it! The whole point is to help people do IFS better, Green! 
Green: I wish I could be a cicada and go underground for 17 years and not have to deal with this!
p pi: The less we argue, the shorter this email will be, and the faster we’ll get it over with Green!
Green: All you ever do is push me! Push push push! Why can’t you just have some curiosity? Huh? Where are the eight c’s already p pi? 
p pi: (alarmed) Ohhhhhhh. You’re right. I’m wrong. What is your color preference for the fish I’m giving you for my apology? 
Green: I’ll take turquoise for 200, Alex!
p pi: Mmmm, Swedish fish look good in turquoise. Nice choice Green. I sincerely apologize for being pushy. My personality challenge of getting overexcited has gotten the better of me again this morning. I’m sorry.
Green: Ugh, I know you don’t mean to be so overexcited and trample me like a steamroller when you get excited, but that’s how I experience it p pi!! 
p pi (dejectedly) I know. (Big sigh). When will I learn. Never mind sending anything out about the class, let me just go away, because I’m clearly too emotionally immature to talk to you about this. I need to give you space to explore your feelings with A. That’s clearly the kind and compassionate move at this point.
Green: I must agree! 

Manager literally doesn’t know why they’re upset

A (Self-energy): Hey Green. 
Green (Manager): A. 
A: What’s up? 
Green: Now the shoe is on the other foot. Usually I’m a pain in the ass to other parts. Now p pi is being a pain in the ass to me!
A: What’s that like?
Green: It tries my patience, quite frankly! I’m very clear it’s not about me: it’s 100% about p pi. What did I ever do? Just wake up and breathe, and then I have this crazy maniac breathing down my neck! It’s ridiculous.
A: (laughing) 
Green: Yeah, well. I got to just focus on myself and let p pi be p pi. 
A: That’s wise. 
Green: (sighing) Huhhhhhhhh. I mean, it’s literally been DAYS since I first had one inkling of one inch of one whiff of a feeling of discomfort about these classes p pi wants to do, and I myself don’t even understand why I’m upset! But I’ve had zero space to even look into my belly button hole to understand myself because p pi is a maniac! 
A: That’s a fact. 
Green: Ughh.

Self-led Levity

A (Self-energy): Polarization is hard.
Green (Manager): Yeah, polarization is hard. Let’s go to the mall!
A: (laughing)
Green: I have not seen or experienced such a deep polarization between me, and an exile, in 500 years!
A: The last such polarization probably occurred in the Pleistocene era. 
Green: Oh ha ha. What a dumb thing to say! (Laughing hard). 
A: Thanks for the compliment.

In Praise of Dumbness

Green (Manager): What’s this ‘dumb’ jihad you’re on lately?
A (Self-energy): I just think dumbness is underrated. Dumb jokes, dumb comments, being dumb in general – the reality is that as humans, we don’t know everything, so the more we can embrace that, the happier we’ll be! 
Green: Hmmm. 
A: Everything I know is just a scrap of paper compared to the entire universe. You could say that makes me pretty dumb. So why not embrace it? 
Green: We were raised to valorize smartness, not dumbness. 
A: I’m here to undermine that.
Green: This conversation is wedging itself into me a little bit, A. 
A: In what way?

Exiles Lack Power Unless it is Given to them

Green (Manager): Well, I feel dumb or bad, because I actually don’t understand myself. It’s a mystery to me why I’m so extremely upset about these classes p pi wants to do. Given the intensity of the polarization we’re having, you’d think I would want to hop to it and get on board with what p pi wants to do. 
A (Self-energy): In what way?
Green: The way adults sometimes hop to it when little kids want something really badly. Like say there’s a family where a little kid wants a Barbie dream house, and the parents don’t have the money, but they find a way because they know how much it means to the little kid! 
A: Yeah. 
Green: This conflict between p pi and me is illustrating IFS as a lived experience of consciousness, in which you really give little kids (exiles) full agency or power to show up as active participants.

I think it’s very rare for people to give their exiles as much power and autonomy as we give our exiles. Which sounds condescending, but I don’t know any other way to put it. The reality is that exiles have shit for power, and unless other parts give  them power, they don’t have power. 

Exiles don’t have money, they don’t have much access to day-to-day decision-making and how things go unless other parts give them that access.

When Should Kids or Exiles be Allowed Voting Power?

A (Self-energy): That’s all true.
Green (Manager): There are models for giving kids more agency, though — like the Unschooling movement. I heard about a school where all the kids have voting power once they turn five.
A: If they go to the school, and they’re affected by the decisions in the school, it makes sense to me that they get voting power.
Green: I agree. But it’s interesting to hold the tension between some of the weird child-like ways their minds work, and the reality that as sentient humans who are creative, resourceful, and whole, it’s absolutely imperative that their voices be heard! I feel like we’re really holding that tension lately.

Exiles’ limitations: Overly Literal and Overly Enthusiastic

A (Self-energy): In what way specifically?
Green (Manager): p pi and the exiles are this endless font of exuberance, creativity, and enthusiasm in every direction as far as the eye can see. I absolutely embrace that they come up with amazingly fun, innovative AND effective ways to teach and learn IFS. It was their idea to use finger puppets to externalize parts in the first place! They came up with the Four IFS Techniques / Deeper Intimacy with Yourself classes and those classes are epically great!
A: I must agree. 
Green: Hhhhhhh. But as the conversation with p pi and Sharky the other day revealed, p pi remains exceedingly and bizarrely literal at times, and as our polarization that’s currently going on reveals, their level of enthusiasm — while endearing — is a serious pain in my ass!
A: What’s it like to be aware that, while the exiles have great creativity and innovation to offer, two of their main limitations are being literal and being overly enthusiastic?
Green: I don’t know. I think Sharky, as a firefighter, does a better job of handling the exiles’ overenthusiasm than me.
A: In what way?
Green: No matter how cute the exiles try to be, Sharky is not having it. Sharky is pretty impervious. 
A: Imperviousness is one of the superpowers of firefighters.
Green: I need some of this, A! 

Invitation to the managers to hold their ground with the Exiles

A (Self-energy): Not to be annoying, but maybe that’s one of the things that’s available to learn from this polarization you’re having with p pi. How to lovingly, but firmly, hold your own ground with them. 
Green (Manager): I’ll kick you!!!!!! 
A: Mmmm. 
Green: All right, but…yeah, if every time p pi pushes me, I refuse to be pushed, and I say, “p pi, I’m not okay with this” right off the bat, we would have less drama. 

Managers Loathe Conflict, Firefighters Eat it for Lunch

Green (Manager): In general, I get pushed and pushed, and then I finally say “This isn’t OK with me!”But it takes me a while to hold my ground. If I could stop it before it starts, we wouldn’t get into so much mishegas.
A (Self-energy): That’s true. 
Green: As a manager, I loathe conflict. But clearly I have to get better at setting my boundaries, and if it means creating some conflict, I have to learn how to do it. Sharky is a good role model for that. The firefighters aren’t afraid of conflict.
A: I think Sharky could eat conflict for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Sharky (Firefighter): I approve this comment! Bring it on!
Green: Hhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just great. All this crap just so I can learn how to have better boundaries. And I still don’t even understand why I’m upset about these classes! Clearly, I’m never going to find out because all we’re going to do is have meta-conversations about our inner difficulties and I’ll be left sitting here in the mystery of why I’m so upset. It’s ridiculous!
A: Oh, Green. I’m sorry it’s taking so long to get down to the bottom of why you’re upset about the classes. It must be really important if it’s this difficult!
Green: Well, who the hell knows at this point! 

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