First, a Firefighter Feels Compassion for an Exile...
Dee and Sharky doing the Deep Work over the Holidays
Sharky, a firefighter, feels protective towards Dee, a deep exile
Sharky (Firefighter): It’s the week of Christmas. Deep feelings are stirring.
A (Self-energy): Like what?
Sharky: Dee is one of the deepest exile we’ve ever worked with, A.
A: True.
Sharky: I love Dee and feel profoundly protective towards them.
A: What’s that like?
Sharky: It has a painful quality. I want to help Dee, but as a firefighter I don’t have the chops to work with an exile like that. I mean, I could probably have a short conversation without getting in trouble, but beyond that, I’m not capable. It’s up to you. You and Dee have to do the deep work, and all I can do is try to stay out of it. Not distract, not dissociate, just stay the course.
I have to face into the reality that deep work triggers all my firefighter alarms, and to the best of my ability I have to try to NOT get triggered and NOT distract you, so you can just. keep. healing.
Firefighters hanging in there during the holidays
A (Self-energy): What’s it like to accept that challenge—to the best of your ability to NOT to be dissociated or distracted in response the exiles’ distress?
Sharky (Firefighter): Self-compassion, I guess. I do my best, I usually fail a little, and then I forgive myself and try again the next day. I haven’t been eating sugar, or overeating, or doing most of the ‘bad’ firefighter things, and it’s the holidays, so I give myself props for that.
A: You and me both!
Dee is a more avoidant exile than usual
Sharky (Firefighter): Yeah, but I still scroll. Damn you Notes on Substack!! Just when I overcome Reels on Facebook, along comes yet another social media vortex of destruction. But scrolling is less harmful than eating a box of toffee, so I’ll take it.
A (Self-energy): Me too.
Sharky: I feel bad for Dee, A.
A: In what way, Sharky?
Sharky: I don’t know. Most exiles show up sad, and desolate, or lonely, or hurt, and I feel sad for them, but they have this sweet, trusting little quality and usually when you develop a relationship with them, they perk up and become more friendly and kid-like and innocent. But Dee is different. You’ve been working with Dee for weeks, and even though it SEEMS like Dee trusts you, it’s the slowest relationship-building I’ve ever had to tolerate and witness. It looks like Dee is okay with you, and then they say, “Don’t touch me!” or “Don’t get close to me!”
So Dee trusts you, but not completely, and sometimes they get so mad and distrustful and it makes me scared…of how deeply harmed they were. Like a dog that takes years to learn to trust again. You can literally see (in how reactive, distrustful, edgy and angry Dee is) how harmed they were. It makes me so sad. It’s so evil that anyone could do that much harm to another sentient being.
The firefighter, Sharky, sees themselves in the exile, Dee
A: I hear how much compassion you feel for Dee, Sharky.
Sharky: Yeah, well, and I guess the reason this is so deep and pointy and stirring is that I see me in Dee.
A: What’s that like, Sharky?
Sharky: For the love of God, it’s painful. Dee’s the most firefightery exile I ever saw! So avoidantly attached, so angry, so quick to react, so distrustful, so cagey…so like me. F!!! It’s sad to see all the damage that damaged people can do to parts, A. We sure were damaged as kids.
A: It’s a damaging world out there, no doubt.
Firefighter feeling edgy, and it’s uncomfortable
Sharky (Firefighter): So the more you work with Dee, the more I see me in Dee, and then the more I worry about when I’ll have to do that same work. I’m not excited about that hot potato of inner work landing in MY lap!! Damn that burning hot potato.
A (Self-energy): (laughing) Well for what it’s worth you just did a little inner work right here right now, Sharky.
Sharky: Yeah all right but it’s on the edge of my capacity…I can feel how edgy I am when you give me a compliment. It makes me want to kick you! Just like Dee, who says, “I’ll kick you!” pretty much every day.
A: It’s one way to burn off some distress.
Sharky: I know it doesn’t bother you, but, still, it’s hard to feel so edgy.
A: In what way?
Sharky: I don’t LIKE to want to kick you or anyone. I just feel like my protective boundaries are being meddled with or you’re too close and that’s my way of getting you to step back.
The ‘Step Back’ technique also works to get Self to back off from parts
Sharky (Firefighter): You know how in IFS the Self asks parts who are interfering with the work to ‘step back’? Well, you need to ‘step back’ sometimes and not be so close to me or I feel invaded!!!
A: That’s why there’s the question, “How close are you to that part?” and “Is that distance okay?”
Sharky: Yeah, and also the answer “You’re too close, move back!” is acceptable.
A: Yes it is.
All roads lead to Rome. Boo! It’s you!
Sharky (Self-energy): So, as usual I started talking about someone else and ended up talking about myself. So typical of inner work.
A (Self-energy): Indeed.
Sharky: Strangely, now that I know why I’m triggered by watching Dee work with you —because it reminds me so much of me—I feel a little more relaxed. It was really stressing me out, at about an 8/10, mostly because it was uncanny. It was the familiar that I didn’t realize was familiar; it was spooky, to watch an echo of my own patterns but to not realize I was afraid of myself all along. Boo! It’s you, Sharky!
A: (laughing) Boo! It’s you.
Sharky: Well, when I know it’s me that freaks me out then my process is not so self-estranged or hidden or even so scary.
Oh well, I’m the damaged dog that got kicked so much it’s cagey, edgy and quick to bare its shark teeth. I’m the sad one. I’m the avoidantly attached one. Then instead of feeling ‘pity’ or ‘bad’ or ‘sad’ FOR Dee, actually, since I’m really feeling all those things for me, I can feel deeper compassion for both of us. That makes me feel closer to Dee, more connected to Dee, and more like rooting for Dee and you to keep making progress on healing. Man, is Dee ever courageous! More courageous than me in a way, because they’re going all out on the healing right now! Go, Dee, go!
A moment of connection between Dee and Sharky
Dee (Exile): Thanks Sharky. I am working hard right now. I am in the mood to kick a lot. I am angry, avoidantly attached, and not the sweetest exile you ever met. I am ferocious, small and mighty! I can do it, and with you in my corner, how can I not prevail?
Sharky (Firefighter): (eyes tearing up) Dee, I will be in your corner until the end of time.
Dee: Heee! We can do it Sharky! And once I’m done healing, you can too!
Sharky: (huge sigh) If you can, I can. We can do it.