When Other Parts Get in the Way
Firefighter frivolity and exile overexuberance get in the way of a manager knowing something simple about themselves
Off to an inappropriate manager-firefighter polarization
Green (manager): All right, after practically a week of trying to find out WHAT IS MY PROBLEM with these classes p pi wants to offer, I am going to get some answers! I will not be sidetracked!
Sharky (firefighter): Good luck with that.
Green: Sharky, don’t be an ass! Goddamn you! Give me a fish right now.
Sharky: Geez, all right. Wow, I apologize. That was not the moment for levity. I’m sorry. Here’s a fish.
Green: Everyone and their dog and their dogs’ fleas are trying to get in between me and my information! Well, I’m Brooke Shields, and nobody is getting in between me and my Calvin Kleins now!
Sharky: I have no idea what’s going on and why there’s so much opposition to you looking into this, but I want to do whatever I can to support you in finding out why you’re so upset Green. I’m sorry I tried to be funny about it. That was not appropriate. Poor timing.
Green: Thank you for understanding that I’m sick of this crap, and I don’t need your levity right now, I need support!
Sharky: (soberly) Green, let’s do this!
Manager starts with focusing and NOT getting into further drama with other parts
Green (Manager): All right. Let me face this head on: what exactly is p pi proposing, and what is arising in me in response?
A (Self-energy): Good plan.
Green: I’m not going to talk directly to p pi about it, though. I think we all know how that goes.
A: That also sounds like a good plan.
Green: p pi and Sharky both really enjoyed our IFS + Finger Puppets workshops at the IFS Unconference on June 1. I don’t actually mind trying an IFS + Finger Puppets workshop that’s structured like that workshop. How could I not like using finger puppets to do IFS? I AM represented by a finger puppet, a green fish!!
Finger puppets are a fun way to externalize parts and even just a short workshop where people get a taste of that can inspire people to transform how they do IFS by using objects to represent parts.
What is NOT the problem, helps identify what IS the problem
A (Self-energy): So the finger puppets workshop isn’t really the issue?
Green (Manager): I don’t think so. As a manager, I go by empirical evidence. We did four back-to-back IFS + Finger Puppets workshops at the conference, and they were all successful.
A: Is it holding a larger workshop, with more people, that’s troubling you?
Green: Not really because those workshops had up to 40 people in them and they were very fun and safe and successful. So that’s not particularly what’s bothering me. I mean, it’s a new territory to hold a workshop with more people but, since we practiced four times it’s hard to say that it can’t work since it clearly did. I can’t oppose reality, and I had the experience that it did work. So I don’t think that’s the problem.
A: Okay.
Green: I guess the first step is to figure out what the problem is not, in order to clarify what the problem is. So this is helpful because at least it eliminates that as the problem.
Manager uncomfortable with larger groups
A (Self-energy): Well, then, that leaves only one option, which is p pi wants to offer larger classes to teach IFS asynchronously — to start with a live class with a demo and time to practice, but then record the teaching segments and demo in order to offer it to people who can’t attend live.
Green (Manager): Yeah, I don’t feel comfortable with that.
A: I notice your discomfort. What can you say about that?
Green: My cicada comment. I just want to go underground for 17 years and not deal with this.
A:
Green: I feel like it’s too many people. I feel safe when I’m surrounded by really intimate, small circles of people that I know. Our tiny little six-person classes are so nourishing and sweet and safe. I understand p pi’s enthusiasm for teaching IFS to larger groups of people, but I feel like it’s too much for my nervous system right now.
A: That’s clarifying.
Green: Hmmmm. But on the other hand we had a really big group to do the finger puppets workshop, and it went really well and it was fun and I did like it. So, I feel like I have a conflict inside myself between a fear of larger groups, and whether or not they can be safe, and the reality that there were larger groups, and they were safe.
A: What’s that like?
Green: I think what I can say is, if p pi could compromise on the size of the classes, it would significantly reduce my opposition. If instead of the maximum people in the class being one million
p pi (Exile): Translation: 25!!!
Green: If we made the maximum 12, my nervous system could feel calmer.
p pi: I’ll take it!!!!
Green: Hmmm. Really?
p pi: If it’s not obvious how seriously important this is to you Green, I’m an idiot. If you’re this upset about offering larger classes right now, then, let’s honor how you feel. We can start in the shallow end of the pool by having moderately larger classes, but not really big classes! That’s not a problem. I’m totally willing to compromise on that.
Exile and Manager have a Deep Repair
Green (Manager): Huh. This is all a very surprising turn of events. It seems so simple, but it’s just about the number of people, after all this effort! This was a lot of effort to get to a very simple answer. Oh my God!
p pi (Exile): That’s inner work for you. I was certainly challenged in our conversations about this myself. I learned how literal I am. That was not my favorite thing to learn! I had to face some things I was not so enthusiastic about facing, too.
Green: All this, just to learn that all we had to do was make the class slightly smaller? Oh, I want to scream! Inner work is so annoying! All this, just to find out the tiniest little piece of information. I swear to God.
p pi: Well, to your credit Green you really stuck with it. You kept working hard to find out what the information was. Everyone tried to get in your way, but you persisted. I give you props for that!
Green: (sighing) “Everyone” is YOU! You were in my way! You made it hard for me to find out something stupid and simple! That’s very annoying p pi. I’m not going to lie.
p pi: That’s fair. I’m sorry I was so over enthusiastic that I got in your way. Through this very arduous process, I learned that my overenthusiasm is even more of a problem than I previously understood it to be. I’ll keep working harder on keeping my overenthusiasm in my lane so that I don’t make things so difficult for other people the way I made this difficult for you. I apologize.
Green: I’m truly going to be more impervious to your cute overenthusiasm in the future! So you better be prepared!
p pi: I welcome your support and feedback on the negative impact of my overenthusiasm, and the way that it oversteps the boundaries between me and other people, and gets in the way of other people knowing their truth. I see very clearly how difficult I made it for you to get clarity about something simple — that you wanted our classes to be slightly smaller.
It IS ridiculous how much effort you had to put forth to get access to this information about yourself because I was blocking you. I embrace your feedback, and I’m looking forward to every time you tell me that it is not OK for me to be overenthusiastic.
I welcome the boundaries you are going to set on me so that I can become a better person!
Repair = Stronger Relationship in the Future
Green (tearful) (Manager): Well, I really can’t ask for more, p pi. This was a pretty painful experience for me, but I guess this is the best resolution I could possibly get. We’ll both work hard on evolving in this area of our relationship.
p pi (Exile): We can do it!
Green: I do NOT love conflict, so I really did not like this experience, but I do like the outcome. I feel hopeful that we’ll evolve, and be better people as a result.
p pi: We’re already better, and we’ll only keep getting better! Thanks for tolerating the discomfort of this conflict with me day after day in order to get to a resolution. I really appreciate your patience and persistence.
Green: Hhhhhhhhhh. I’m going to rest for a week and recover. You all do you! If you don’t hear from me it’s because I need time to calm down from all this.
p pi: Thanks for letting us know Green! Have a fun vacation!
Green: Recuperation, not vacation, is more like it. Ugh I loathe conflict. And it’s so annoying to find out that after all this, it was such a small thing that was bothering me, but I couldn’t access it because I was being so perturbed by everyone else’s craziness.
Manager’s final thoughts:
Green (Manager): This makes me feel very dedicated to developing my own mental strength — my own capacity to know what’s true for me, despite anybody else bothering me and getting in my way and meddling with me. I started out this journey, thinking that you, p pi, actually wanted to hear how I feel, and I was pretty excited to just find out and move along. But instead you kept badgering and badgering and badgering me and getting in my way, and that was such a pain in my asshole!
p pi (Exile): You’re 100% right. I made it really hard for you to find out something very simple and I apologize.
Green: Hhhhhhhh. Let’s not do this again, p pi!
p pi: (laughing) I can’t guarantee we won’t, but I can guarantee I’ll try better!
Green: Fine, I’ll take it!