A Firefighter Does IFS

Koala prepares for their IFS Demo Watch Party Debut on Sunday

Koala

A to B problem

Koala (Firefighter): A, I’m a bit nervous. I’m at a 4 or 5 out of 10.

A (Self-energy): What’s that like, Koala?

Koala: Eh. It’s tolerable, but I’d like it to be around a 2 or a 3. So, I have an “A to B” problem. I’m at 4/5 out of 10 (A), and I’d like to be at 2/3 out of 10 (B). The question is how to get from where I am to where I want to be. Who talks about that?

A: Robert Fritz, in his ideas about Structural Thinking. They’re in his books. He says if you want a thing, it creates a structural tension to get the thing (wildly reducing his ideas down to a sentence).

Koala: Well, it’s stress-reducing to lay out exactly where I am and where I want to be. I can see my problem clearly, which makes me feel less out of control vis-a-vis my own emotional chaos.

A: That’s good to hear.

Koala: Maybe, yeah. It’s the first step. People call that ‘scaffolding’?

Scaffolding

A (Self-energy): Exactly. We like the term ‘scaffolding’ to refer to setting up the inner work at hand. Like building a scaffold to work on a building. When you have all the supports and structures in place to do the work, it’s easier to focus ON the work.

Koala (Firefighter): I’m not good at this inner work, but I do pay attention and watch what other people do, so I’ve learned some stuff, I just haven’t done much myself.

A: I agree.

Parts Who are Sequestered / Frozen

A (Self-energy): Well, for what it’s worth, that puts you ahead of the game, because at least you’re not sequestered somewhere down in consciousness where you can’t even watch what other parts do.

Koala (Firefighter): I’ll say! Usually parts do have access to what other parts are doing and generally know what’s going on with the entire system. But every now and then you meet one who’s been in a coma, or frozen in time somehow like Han Solo when he got put in the freezey chip in Star Wars. No offense to parts like that, but I AM glad that’s not me. That seems hard. Very isolated. Very frozen off. Poor Sandip. I feel bad for them! That’s tough luck to be that cut off from the whole system.

A: No joke.

Koala: Well, I’m glad Sandip got unfrozen yesterday. Hooray! Good for them. I love Sandip. What a trooper. They were frozen for decades. I appreciate everyone’s tireless work to get them unfrozen, particularly how bb did IFS yesterday for over four hours and it didn’t even seem like particularly deep work, but then BAM! Out popped Sandip as a result of it. So you never know where inner work will lead. You just gotta do it, and let the results take care of themselves. I learned a lot from that. I hope we get a chance to write a Substack about that because it was super inspiring, A!

Approach / Avoidance Conflict — A Normal Part of Inner Work

A (Self-energy): I agree, hopefully we will, but it’s hard to capture the 14 or 15 hours of IFS inner work a week we do…so much of the work doesn’t really end up here.

Koala (Firefighter): Oh for fuck’s sake, this is exactly part of my problem so now my chickens are coming home to roost on my own stupid head!! Why did I even open my mouth!!

A: What are you noticing, Koala?

Koala: The endless visitation of the normal inner work problem called, “Hello, I am approach / avoidance conflict.” (Sigh) Everyone’s been trying to normalize it lately, so I’m trying not to be annoyed, but FFS, I WANT to move from A to B; I WANT to make progress, so why, if I want to make progress, why do I have an avoidance conflict to my own progress? Why is this built in to inner work? Very antagonizing.

Self invites Firefighter to Slow Down

A (Self-energy): I hear ya.

Koala (Firefighter): Well fuck it. I’m a firefighter, “I don’t care” is my middle name! I have massive and I do mean massive IFS tools at my disposal to overcome my own limitations. I can do an end-run around my own personality problems and difficulties!

A: Koala, that sounds slightly troubling.

Koala: I don’t care, I’m a firefighter, I’ll do what I want. My first middle name is “I don’t care.” My second middle name is “I’ll do what I want.” Ha!

A: Koala, IFS techniques work best in a context of compassion. I’m inviting you to proceed with yourself in that context. One of the 5 p’s of Self-energy is PATIENCE. You sound impatient, and my concern, that I am bringing to you with love, is that the ends will not justify the means here. I invite you to slow down, listen to your own concerns, and not try to manipulate yourself out of your fears, concerns or hesitations because you’re frustrated with them. In the long run, it’s a short cut to go slow, not fast.

Koala: Oh my, what a lecture I didn’t ask for!! Fuck you! Fine, I’ll slow down. I hope you’re happy.

A: I am.

How to Respond to Verbal Abuse / Slander from a Firefighter: Levity

Koala (Firefighter): Well good for you!! You’re just trying to show off how Self-led you are and what an idiot I am!

A (Self-energy): That’s me, the world’s biggest show-off.

Koala: Damn you, ugh. You’re incorrigible. Levity! Just the right response to my rude allegations and slander. Okay, you’re not a show-off and obviously I don’t, I can’t tell you what your motivations are for trying to get me to slow down, and I was lying and libeling you.  

A: I accept your apology.

Koala: I feel dumb. I can’t do this. I can’t get from A to B. Clearly I’m stupid at this and I can’t do IFS. I was just kicking out at you and verbally abusing you and slandering you because I feel incapable.

Koala Mortified about People Watching a Video of their IFS Work this Sunday

A (Self-energy): That sounds hard, Koala.

Koala (Firefighter): I’m just so bad at this, for fuck’s sake, and everyone in the world is going to see how dumb I am on SUNDAY! In two days!! Why, oh why, oh why, oh why did I ever agree to do a VIDEO of me doing IFS work? People are going to see how stupid I am, I’m mortified! On a scale of 1-10, I’m at a 5, which, of course, isn’t terrible, it’s…I can handle it…but it’s going to BURN, and I want to NOT be so mortified. I want to be able to watch my video and not burn with a 5 out of 10 of shame!

I know “what gives light must endure burning” and I’m willing to burn, I am, thank you Victor Frankl, but if I could burn a little less I’d really prefer it. It’s simply my preference.

A: I’m here to help you get there, Koala.

Inner Work Accrues Energy Like a Pot of Boiling Water

Koala (Firefighter): Is that why you’re very assertive, A? You’re pushing me. Because we only have two days and I want to get to a 2 or 3 out of 10 instead of a 4 or 5 out of 10. I’m not even asking to have no shame, just less. That’s all I’m asking!!

A (Self-energy): I think it’s doable, Koala. You can do this.

Koala: But I’m not even down 1 point from having this stupid conversation. No progress!!

A: Koala, for what it’s worth, sometimes inner work looks like a pot of water boiling. You accrue a lot of kinetic energy and nothing is happening and it doesn’t SEEM like any progress is being made, but it is, because the water is ready to flash over to boil any minute. So I have confidence you are making progress, it just FEELS invisible right now. Patience, grasshopper!

Koala: That’s on the verge of being stupidly patronizing but I’ll take it. On the verge though, and don’t say it again or bad things will come to you from my mouth.

A: Duly noted.

Firefighter Embarrassed to Witness Their Own Past Behavior

Koala (Firefighter): Okay, now that we’ve 1) discussed what is the issue (A to b) 2) described scaffolding 3) been lectured on being patient 4) questionably called a grasshopper — let me fucking focus. WHY do I feel mortified?

I guess this conversation has helped clarify that: I feel de-skilled. I haven’t done a lot of IFS, and the stupid video I did about six months ago shows me as a total jackass who wants to go eat a lot of watermelon or smoke marijuana. It’s 100% firefighter mania. I’m not that person anymore—don’t get me wrong, I’m not the Buddha either for fuck’s sake—but I’m not that idiotic, and I feel embarrassed that I’ll have to watch a video of myself being so dumb.

A (Self-energy): That makes sense to me, Koala.

The Pot Boils at Last!

Koala: Huh. Pot boiled! What do you know. You saying, “That makes sense,” when I just spoke my fear very clearly, actually took me down one notch out of nowhere. Amazing! Magic! How did that happen?

A: You got me.

Koala: Hot damn, literally. I guess part of my problem was simply that I couldn’t put in words what I was actually afraid of. I’m literally just afraid of watching how I used to be.

But, it is true, in this moment, that I’m not that person anymore. That video is all about how I didn’t know you, didn’t trust you — the ‘Self’—and how suspicious I was of the whole IFS enterprise.

I’m on board with it now, obviously. But if I hadn’t had the courage and taken the risk to do the (now embarrassing) work I did in that video, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have any hope of accessing better ways of being. I wouldn’t really have hope I CAN move from a state of being ashamed to a state of being less ashamed. I wouldn’t have any confidence in the process.

Precisely BECAUSE I did that exact video, that exact work, I have access to new possibilities for myself. I feel…almost on the verge of tears. I feel very moved to see how I was courageous to do that work. And what if instead of looking at the video through the eyes of shame, I look at my own inner work with pride, to see the effort I made—with very little skills—to courageously struggle through the extreme challenge of trying to learn to trust when I am not very trusting?

Firefighters: The Toughest Parts to Work with In IFS?

Firefighters probably have the hardest time doing IFS of all the parts. Managers, once they see intellectually how much sense it makes, often get on board. Exiles WANT to be seen and heard so once they’re accessed they often go straight into the arms of Self like a newly adopted puppy!

But we firefighters…we’re suspicious and cagey and mad and it takes more than just a little love to get us to go along with this whole IFS program. If you can get firefighters to dialogue, then you know you’re really good at IFS. A, I really appreciate how good you are at this. Talking to and getting firefighters to trust the Self in IFS is a special sub-set of IFS skills and I’m glad you’re trying to teach that to people. Because firefighters are people too and we deserve liberation as much as exiles, but it can be harder to reach us than just about any parts, including exiles!!

A: Thanks Koala.

Koala: I had an A to B problem. I was at a 4/5 out of 10 of shame about watching my video on Sunday. But now, thanks to this stupid conversation, I’m at a solid 3. Wow, what a nervous system relief. What helped was:

1. I was able to articulate my EXACT fear: being seen as stupid for having no IFS skills.
2. I was able to reframe that fear and see the MEANINGFULNESS of the demonstration IFS video with me: to teach people how to work with very distrustful, cagey, angry, activated, suspicious firefighters.

I’m good to go now that I’m at a 3. I think I’ll be able to watch the video with more pride and a sense of meaning and purpose, as opposed to embarrassment and shame. I can say to myself, “Koala, look how far you’ve come.” “Koala, this video is a testament to your courage and commitment to personal change and growth. It was really hard for you, but I’m proud of you for taking the risk and doing it.”

What a chiropractic adjustment to my attitude! IFS works! Hallelujah! It was dicey here in the middle but we got where I wanted to go. All I was asking was to take it down 1 or 2 notches, and we accomplished that. I started at a 4/5, and now I’m at a solid 3. So relieving!!

Firefighter Transformation and Excitement about the Upcoming Watch Party

A (Self-energy): I knew you could do it, Koala.

Koala (Firefighter): Well, if we get it down to a 2 that will be icing on the IFS cake, but I’ll take a 3 for sure. I’m so, so relieved. I was scared of the IFS Demo Watch Party with my video this Sunday, but—I’m actually feeling a little excited to watch it now.

Wow! Yeah, I feel restored to my own sense of wellbeing. And also, what a ridiculous exaggeration to say that the whole world will be watching it. It’s a small group of loving people who will gather to learn IFS, and I’m proud that I contributed in my small way to helping people learn how to work with firefighters. If I’m not a perfect, stereotypical example of a firefighter I’ll eat my hat!

A: (laughing) There is no doubt you are a firefighter’s firefighter, Koala.

Koala: Thanks! I’ll take it! See you Sunday, everyone who comes to the watch party! I’ll be watching!

A: You can sign up or click here to learn more about Koala’s IFS Demonstration and the upcoming IFS Demo Watch Party.

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